Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right

Have you ever thought this way?

I have to admit to admit that there have been long, long years that I wanted to be right.... And I never realized that it was costing me happiness.
I listened to an interview the other day with an relationship coach. She stated the remark: Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right. She explained it like this: When she is in an argument with her partner, and she wants to be right, the argument gets worse, and there's no togetherness anymore at that moment. Now, if you want happiness and openness and togetherness, you need to realize what happens if you fight to be right. The moment you find that you'd rather have closeness instead of being right, you suddenly look at yourself from a distance.

I have to admit, it's probably bad for your ego, but my ego can absolutely do with a bit less, if I'm honest.

So.

When I get critical remarks about something I've done, and I find myself automatically shift into defense-gear, I now more and more often realize that that's NOT what I want.

I'll give you an example from my own life, it IS embarrassing... I admit. (I intentionally give examples from my own life, because I want to show you that if I can, you can too!)

A couple of days ago, we were talking about the start of my blogging era. Right in the beginning, i was talking about my own private life, and I would talk about my family too. I never realized that children can be highly embarrassed when they read about themselves online. Even though I am convinced that no one else would recognize the stories, they obviously did, and they did not like it. In the beginning I thought it was just over sensitive behavior from their side, but that did not any good to our relationship of course!

Only after I found the quote about the happy or right choice, I realized that I was busy "being right". The remark my better half made when we talked about that, was: "You suddenly show some humility, I never thought you would".

Now, humility is not my favorite...
But I have to admit, that I think it's a good character trait for others :-)

to match or not to match

People are either matchers, or mismatchers. If you are a mismatcher, you are critical, you see what is missing, you see what is wrong. if you are a matcher, you see what is in it for you, you see what is right, you see what could be useful. Yesterday, I visited a friend of mine, Maria, together with Mike, another friend. Mike and I are extreme matchers, and Maria is a mismatcher. This turned out to be realy funny. Maria had chocolate biscuits for tea, a brand she had never had before, and neither did we. Maria’s first reaction was: “bèh, sloppy cookies, they seem to be old instead of fresh”. Mike and I said almost simultaneous: “Maybe they’re meant to be like that!” The package was divided into several small plastic packages with 5 cookies each, and after the first package we opened the second. The cookies in the second package were crispy…
What we realised, is that being extreme in either direction is not effective. Extreme mismatchers see all the shortcomings of everything, they only see the negative side and generally are not happy with their life. Extreme matchers only see possibilities, they only see the positive side, and they are very happy with their life. Being a matchers sounds attractive to me, I have to admit, but I do realise that much of my potential keeps being underused. It just seldom dawns on me that something could be better!
To read more about balancing your style of matching and mismatching: http://stepfamilyheaven.com

How to Handle Anger in Children - After Divorce

My better half is very interested in my work and my research, as you probably know he is co-author of my book "From Havoc to Heaven - How to handle Anger in Children". (You can get a free copy at http://stepfamilyheaven.com/). Since I am ranking quite well with my page, he started comparing other sites to our own, and sometimes he stumbles on real good information. I will share with you what we consider to be useful, because our intent is to help as many children and parents as we can. The following description was what he found on psychpage.com. (adapted)

Effects of Parental Divorce on Children of Varying Ages

Preschool (2.5 to 6 years)

Initial reactions: Preschool children are much more likely to blame themselves for the divorce; also likely to fear abandonment by the remaining parent. They may be confused, have fantasies about reconciliation, and show difficulties in expressing their feelings. Boys and girls have different kinds of problems as a result of the divorce.
Later reactions (2-10 years after the divorce): Preschool kids are more likely to have fewer memories of either their own or their parents' earlier conflict; they are generally close to custodial parent and a competent step-parent. May feel anger at an unavailable non-custodial parent that prevents a strong adult relationship.

Elementary School (7 to 12 years)
Initial reactions: Tend to express feelings of sadness, fear, and anger. They are less likely to blame themselves, but more likely to feel divided loyalties. They are better able to use extra-familial support. There is some support for placing children with their same-sex parent for best adjustment.
Later reactions: Tend to have the most difficulties in adapting to step-parenting and remarriage; may challenge family rules and regulations, and throw back "You're not my real father/mother" during conflict. They tend to show decreased academic performance and disturbed peer relations.

Adolescence (13 to 18 years)
Initial reactions: Show difficulty coping with anger, outrage, shame, and sadness; they are more likely to reexamine their own values, and may disengage from the family to do this.
Later reactions: Shares feelings of the 7 to 12 group but may not be able to express them. May fear long-term relationships with others, and show adjustment difficulties such as running away, truancy, and delinquency.

In the meantime my ex-husband, my daughter's father is staying with us for 10 days. We are actually having a good time together. My husband and my ex-husband get on very well, and my daughter adores it when everyone is together. The two men discussed this morning over coffee, that they should write a book together, about the dos and dont's after divorce. I actually think that they are a very good example of how things can work out, and I feel very fortunate to be the "woman in the middle" of these two wonderful men. My ex-husband realised that he really wants to make a difference for divorced fathers, who are in desperation about their relationship with their children. It is really great to see that we both came out of our marriage with a strong drive to help others in similar situations!

Criticism vs. Character

I can appreciate criticism when it doesn't come from critics. Critics generally criticize to satisfy their own pathology.
Furthermore it's hard to build character when you spend most of your time criticizing the passions, work, and lifestyle of others.
With the hope of inspiring the critics to build more character here are some quotes from big thinkers.

About critics and criticism:

"Most of our censure of others is only oblique praise of self, uttered to show the wisdom and superiority of the speaker." - Tryon Edwards

"A critic is a man who prefers the indolence of opinion to the trials of action." - John Mason Brown

"The pleasure of criticism deprives us of that of being deeply moved by beautiful things." - Jean de la Bruyere

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain--and most fools do." - Dale Carnegie

"What the public criticizes in you, cultivate. It is you." - Jean Cocteau

"It is much easier to be critical than to be correct." - Benjamin Disraeli

"There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule." - Malcolm Forbes

"It behooves the minor critic, who hunts for blemishes, to be a little distrustful of his own sagacity. - Junius

And finally...
"Stones and sticks are thrown at fruit-bearing trees." - Sa'di.


About character and building character:

"Wherever man goes to dwell, his character goes with him." - African proverb

"Character is that which reveals moral purpose, exposing the class of things a man chooses or avoids." - Aristotle

"Good taste is the modesty of the mind; that is why it cannot be imitated or acquired." - Emile de Girardin

"Character is destiny." - Heraclitus

"You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them." - Malcolm Forbes

"I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do: that is character!" - Theodore Roosevelt

"Character is the real foundation of all worthwhile success." - John Hays Hammond

"Character is power; it makes friends, draws patronage and support, and opens a sure way to wealth, honor and happiness." - John Howe

Now imagine replacing the word character with the word criticism in each of the above quotes. Can't be done.

Posted by Michael Port on March 24, 2007

From Susie&Otto Collins' newsletter

This Week's Article:

"How Fun and Laughter Can Help Your Relationships"by Susie and Otto Collins

We agree with Cynthia.

Cynthia is one of our newsletter subscribers and she suggested that the power of laughter, fun and having a humorous attitude is a great way to keep relationships growing, alive and connected and we totally agree with her.

Norman Cousins, in his books "Anatomy of an Illness" and "Head First," proved that laughter creates endorphins within the body that actually helps promote healing when physical illness is present. Cousins cured his cancer by watching funny movies, reading jokes, books, and listening to tapes of comedy performances. Laughter truly was his medicine.

A few years ago, Robin Williams starred in a film about a physician in West Virginia named Patch Adams who used humor as part of his "bed side manner" to help ease the pain of children who had been diagnosed as terminally ill.
So the point is--if laughter can heal sick people and ease their pain, imagine what it can do for your relationships.

In our relationship, we've found that laughter is a great way for us to connect.
We've been taking a few days off vacationing with friends at Folly Island beach and we've had a great time watching the dogs romp and play on the beach. We were awed by the black lab who caught the frisbee perfectedly each time her owner threw it.

As we walked along the water's edge, we laughed as we watched other dogs run and play in the cold, ocean waves. They were having so much fun that we found ourselves having an equally good time watching them.
You don't have to go to the beach to enjoy the connection of fun and laughter.
Here are some suggestions for bringing more fun and laughter into your life:

1. If you're in a relationship with someone, do something together that would be fun for both of you. If you are single, find a friend or just do something that you haven't done in a long time that used to bring you laughter and joy. It might even be something new that you try.

Rent a funny movie, watch and play with little kids or play catch with a dog.
It doesn't have to be something that's planned and is sometimes best when the experience is spontaneous. Our walk on the beach was a spontaneous experience for us,as well as the unexpectant fun of watching the dogs running and playing.

2. Laugh at yourself when you find that you are taking yourself too seriously. We do this when we see that we've fallen into old patterns that haven't served us and we can look at ourselves from a vantage point outside of ourselves. Laughter can really break through disconnection if it's not done at another's expense.

Here's a great idea for reframing a situation when there's been disconnection between two people. In challenging situations,people are fond of saying "Someday we'll look back on this and laugh." We suggest that instead of waiting until later to look at the situation and laugh, why don't we laugh now and create a closer connection.

That certainly doesn't mean abdicating responsibility or making fun of another person.

Otto remembered something that happened a few years ago that beautifully illustrates this idea...

He and his son stopped at a restaurant to eat while on their way to his son's basketball game. As Otto got out of his car, he realized that he had just locked his keys inside. Ordinarily this would have been one of those tense times when he might say that it's not funny now but we'll look on it later and laugh about it.
Otto chose not to get upset about it and instead enjoyed his lunch with his son while waiting for help to arrive to unlock the car unlocked. What Otto and his son did was laugh about the situation by telling other stories about locked keys in cars to break the tension of the prospect that they might be late for the game. They weren't late for the game and they ended up having a great time that day together.

So what we suggest is to take every opportunity to have fun and laugh this week.

We hope that you use this article as a reminder to open to havingmore fun and laughter in your life to help keep your relationships alive and growing now and always.

(If You'd Like To join this newsletter list-- send an e-mailto:collins@aweber.com , with "I want on yourrelationship newsletter list" in the subject headingand you'll be automatically added to the list.)

!!! Message from my friend Karim!!!!

This is serendipity: I just got this message in my inbox: (I took part of it out for you, the message itself is bigger)

How do you see the people around you?

How do you view your friends,family, colleagues, associates, strangers, sales people, etc?

Do you see some of them as positive influences and others as negative influences? Do you think some of them are a pain, annoy you, are difficult, frustrate you or out to get you? Or do you see them as friendly, warm, caring, affectionate, loving, understanding, positive people.How you see people is what you bring out of them. For example if you see a sales person as annoying you're going to always find and attract annoying sales people. If you see a family member as a pain, your always going to bring out the side in that person that is a pain towards you. If you see your colleagues as jealous, competitive or vindictive then you're always going to bring out those qualities in them because that's what you see in them and that is what you believe is their character. What you believe is what you get. Now I know some of you are going to say: "Karim, these people are that way - I'm not making this stuff up. They really are nasty." Sure they are, and you keep bringing out the worst in them by focusing only on seeing the dark side of their character. Everybody around you has some redeeming qualities: look at those positive qualities within in them and you'll get them to display those qualities more often. Next - ask yourself: "Is that really the way they are?" Challenge your perception and see if you can choose to see things differently. Chances are when you look really closely most people are not as mean and unkind as you think they are. They probably think that they're being very nice but since you only see the negative qualities in them, anything they do will be deemed negative. Once you've perceived them to be a certain way there's nothing that they can do to change your mind. The only way you will truly see the good in the other person is to focus on and see their good qualities then you'll actually see them displaying these qualities more often. Look for the good in someone and you will only attract good things to you. Change the way you see people. Change the way you see life. Begin to believe that good things can happen and you begin to use the Power Of Perception. Get started today - visit: http://www.creatingpower.com/news.htm

mail

Funny, how things can suddenly happen and make you wonder... I got an e-mail yesterday of c kamwoman (LOL), copying part of my website and with subject line "BULLSHIT". I decided not to react.. Today I got two more mails, one the same subject, apparently it's very necessary that I react!

This little happening reminded me of a much more general question I often encounter: If somebody tries to get you into a fight or an argument, how do you react? On www.bonusfamilies.com I found some interesting articles, and there is even a new book about "Divorce Poison": How to cope with uncooperative exes.

I think it's much wider than that. Often people try to change us, or to convince us of their way of seeing reality, and it's our choice how to react. We can get upset or angry, or even feel threatened, we can also choose to stay centered (see my little e-book) and stay within ourselves.

I think it's really important to make a difference between the action of the other person and out own reaction to it. Mostly our reactions are based on past experiences, and that is not the realtiy of this moment. When we manage to sort out the different emotions, we end up with a clear view of reality in the now. We then can decide if someone is really invading our space, or if actually most of the irritation has to do with our own past.

An exercise I often do myself is Byron Katie's The Work. It really helps. You can get a free copy of her little book at www.thework.com, I highly recommend it. Shame, but my conclusions of today's session are way too embarrassing to share :-)))

Anyway, I decided to send an e-mail back saying ":-)", so we'll see. I think that kids often are much more creative than we, and probably it is a way for one of them to vent their thoughts whilst still feeling safe and protected. Even though I consider myself to be very open and accessible, apparently this particular one needs a bit cover... I'll keep you posted!